Favorite 50 Plus a Few More: 2023 Edition Part 1

The beginning of the end (of the year)

"Artwork" by Wolf Rambatz. Original Butthole Chainsaw character design by Mike Teal

Hello. Welcome back to another year where I torture myself writing this stupid thing with minimal lead time. 

So, let's make a couple tweaks to ease the immense load on your least favorite lupine:

1. As demanded by the CDC, who will send me straight to jail if the eye-bleed levels of this newsletter exceed 100,000 words, I'm going to steal a page from The Devil's Mouth and split this ungodly sprawl into parts.

2. I decided to call in the reinforcements: I've turned to ChatGPT to see if it can save me time and craft passable blurbs about heavy metal. Yes, this craven gambit hasn't gone great for the rapacious goons who own G/O Media and Sports Illustrated. Those blatant efforts at cost savings failed because the respective publications destroyed by VC-backed iron fists are (or were) home to legitimately talented writers. ChatGPT isn't, uh, good at writing. Surprise: Readers tend to notice that stuff. But this is great for me. As logic dictates, AI should be able to easily replace me, a terrible writer who already pukes out putrid copy like a malfunctioning computer trained on boner pill email spam. ChatGPT will do fine if I restrain myself from meddling with it. In fact, let's chat with the new Plague Rages scribe right now.

Hey. Are you ready to help me write my year-end list?

ChatGPT
Absolutely! I'd be happy to help you with your year-end list. Whether it's a list of accomplishments, goals, favorite moments, or anything else, let me know what you have in mind, and we can start working on it together.

It's definitely not a list of accomplishments. I don't have any of those. What can I call you? Would you be offended if I refer to you for the remainder of this piece as Metal Clippy?

Metal Clippy
No offense taken! You can call me Metal Clippy for the remainder of our conversation. Now, let's get started on your year-end list. What theme or elements would you like to include in your list? It could be reflections, memorable moments, lessons learned, or anything else you have in mind.

Well, Metal Clippy, it's a list of my favorite heavy metal albums released in 2023. Your mission, if you choose to accept it, is to write short reviews of each album in a voice I specify. Does that sound OK?

Metal Clippy
Absolutely, Metal Clippy is up for the challenge! I'm ready to dive into the world of heavy metal albums for 2023.

Excellent. Now, two things before we start. First, know that I may ask you some follow-up questions because you have a propensity to...how should I put this...make stuff up. I'll be nice about it, this isn't an interrogation, but stay on your toes. Second, can you please say hi to the readers and introduce yourself? Give them an icebreaker and your favorite heavy metal album.

Metal Clippy
Hello, metalheads and curious minds alike! I'm Metal Clippy, ready to shred through the sonic realms of heavy metal with you. A little icebreaker for you all: if I could headbang, I'd be doing it right now. As for my favorite heavy metal album, I'll go classic and pick "Master of Puppets" by Metallica. Now, let's embark on this musical journey together, and feel free to ask any questions that come to mind!

OK. We're going to do a top 50 and maybe a few more. Are you ready?

Metal Clippy
Absolutely, Metal Clippy is ready to tackle the top 50 heavy metal albums of 2023 and more. Bring it on!

Great! Here we go! This is definitely only a top 50.

100. Various Artists - I Can't Believe It's Not Encenathrakh (Rectomorph Productions)

From: The dirtiest, foulest closet found in the infernal depths of Menegroth, the Thousand Caves
Genre: goo

Prompt: Write a paragraph-long review of the various artist compilation I Can't Believe It's Not Encenathrakh in the voice of Macho Man Randy Savage cutting a promo before Wrestlemania.

Metal Clippy:

Listen up, metalheads! "I Can't Believe It's Not Encenathrakh" is like a steel cage match for your eardrums, oozing with the kind of intensity that'll have you screaming, "Ooooh yeah!" Each track is a heavyweight contender, delivering brutal riffs and thunderous beats, making it the ultimate tag team of metal madness. It's a musical smackdown that'll leave you gasping for breath, just like when Macho Man drops the elbow from the top rope. So, snap into this compilation, feel the power, and get ready to rumble in the mosh pit, brother!

Thanks, Randy. Now, your corpus only contains data up to 2022, so you won't know any details about the compilation, but do you have any feelings about Encenathrakh?

Metal Clippy
Oh, you're throwing me a curveball, brother! But let me tell you, even without specific details about Encenathrakh, I'm all about the intensity, the power, and the raw energy of heavy metal. If Encenathrakh brings that same level of ferocity to the table, then in the immortal words of the Macho Man, "Ooooh yeah, dig it!" Metal that hits hard, shakes the ring, and leaves an unforgettable mark—that's the kind of stuff that gets the Macho Man's heart pumping!

Paraphrasing something you once said, you've soared with the eagles, slithered with the snakes, and been everywhere in between, but Encenathrakh is the cream that always rises, wouldn't you say?

Metal Clippy
Oh, absolutely, brother! When you talk about soaring with the eagles and slithering with the snakes, that's the journey of a true metal warrior. And if Encenathrakh is the cream that rises to the top, then it's reaching heights that even the Macho Man himself would be proud of. Cream of the metal crop, rising to glory with power and intensity—now that's a spectacle worth witnessing in the squared circle of heavy metal! Ooooh yeah!

Indeed. This is already getting long, and I don't want readers to think we're doing 10,000 words on each entry. That said, this is the first blurb, so I want to pick your brain a bit. I thought you'd have some affinity for Encenathrakh because the AI music pranksters DADABOTS used a neural network to generate a 10-hour Encenathrakh track in 2020 titled "Thrakhrathraatevviceatencengorath." How do you feel about that specific usage of AI?

Metal Clippy
Well, let me tell you, brother, the use of AI in the music world is like a steel chair shot to the traditional way of doing things—it's groundbreaking! DADABOTS creating a 10-hour Encenathrakh track with a neural network? That's a genius move, injecting a dose of unpredictability and creativity into the metal landscape. It's like the Macho Man finding a new move in his arsenal, keeping things fresh and exciting. AI in music opens up endless possibilities, and if it brings more power to the people's ears, then the Macho Man gives it a resounding "Ooooh yeah!"

Right, I think that's something your brother, The Genius, would've been into. (RIP, Lanny Poffo.) I'm also a little sad that DADABOTS didn't make the compilation...or did it?

Metal Clippy
Oh, you're tugging at the heartstrings now, mentioning The Genius, Lanny Poffo—may he rest in peace. Now, regarding that 10-hour Encenathrakh masterpiece, whether it made the compilation or not, the Macho Man is in the dark. My training data only goes up to 2022, and I'm not privy to the details of specific compilations released in 2023. But if that neural network-fueled epic didn't make the cut, it's a missed opportunity for some serious metal madness!

Thanks, Randy. It was great talking with you. I'll put the Slim Jim-branded Ouija board away and take it from here.

Metal Clippy
No problem, brother! If you ever need the Macho Man's wisdom again, just give a shout. Until then, keep the metal spirit alive and let the madness run wild! Ooooh yeah!

What it actually is: 17 tracks from 16 "bands" playing in the style of technical brutal death metal's premier all-star improvisational barf brigade. Yeah, "bands" because I think half of this compilation is just Encenathrakh members in disguise. Deforestation might as well be Weasel Walter firing a shot across the bow of all struggle drummers. Drug Possession cooks up a potent mess of miasma via Orthrelm-style repetition. And Verklärte has to be Colin Marston using a xylophone to open a portal to a hell dimension so he can chat with Timeless Necrotears. (The title is even funnier if any of those Encenathrakh pseudonyms check out: I can, in fact, believe it's Encenathrakh.) But, of course, there are real-deal sickos on this compilation, too, each adding its own touch to Encenathrakh's blasting batshittery. Hunter Petersen's Chloroma and Trichomoniasis sound like Satriani stuck on day 1,592 of sleepless meth psychosis. Effluence's extremely hard bop hits just right, especially with those free jazz clarinet banshee wails. (No surprise that band is related to Gorenette Coleman.) And Clambake is about as gross as filming a mukbang in a bus station bathroom. I Can't Believe It's Not Encenathrakh is for devoted degenerates only. Welcome to the 2023 list.

99. Cirith Ungol - Dark Parade (Metal Blade Records)

From: Ventura, CA
Genre: heavy metal/doom

Prompt: Write a paragraph-long review of the Cirith Ungol album Dark Parade in the voice of Ayn Rand getting mad that she was asked to tip a merch girl.

Metal Clippy:

Metal Clippy
In the realm of heavy metal, Cirith Ungol's "Dark Parade" stands as a testament to individualism and the pursuit of musical excellence. However, much like Ayn Rand refusing to concede to societal norms, this album refuses to conform to typical genre expectations. The intricate guitar work and soaring vocals manifest a musical ethos that demands recognition without compromise. Asking Ayn Rand to tip a merch girl might be sacrilege, just as expecting Cirith Ungol to conform to conventional standards would be an affront to their artistic integrity. This album is a declaration of independence, a sonic anthem that defies expectations and commands respect in a world that often seeks conformity over individual brilliance.

I didn't know Ayn Rand spoke in the third person like Rickey Henderson.

Metal Clippy
My apologies for the mix-up in tone! Ayn Rand, unlike Rickey Henderson, did not commonly refer to herself in the third person.

Too late. I'm going to believe she did for the rest of my life, mostly to spite libertarians. Anyway, fuck Ayn Rand.

What it actually is: While the epic metal institution gears up for a series of farewell shows, the quintet demonstrated that these pit masters can still swing a heavy metal sword in its 52nd year of existence. Dark Parade, Cirith Ungol's sixth album and the successor to their excellent 2020 comeback, Forever Black, is another solid collection that can stand alongside its atom-smashing ancestors, 1984's King of the Dead and 1986's One Foot in Hell. Of course, perhaps ironically, it took me joining the live legion for these songs to really click. When experienced in the flesh, the sternum-rattling explosion of "Dark Parade," "Distant Shadows," and "Down Below" obliterated my initial "eh" appraisal, reigniting my belief in Cirith Ungol. If you get a chance, grab a ticket before these legends say goodbye.

98. Worn Mantle - Hole (Ordovician Records)

From: Minneapolis, MN
Genre: death metal / sludge / black metal

Prompt: Write a paragraph-long review of the Worn Mantle album Hole in the voice of a local news anchor realizing they have coke on their nose.

Metal Clippy:

Breaking news, folks! Worn Mantle's album "Hole" hits with the subtlety of a headline-grabbing scandal. It's like stumbling upon a hidden treasure, and speaking of hidden, this album's depth is as surprising as discovering an unexpected guest on your nose during a live broadcast. The tracks unfold like breaking stories, each revealing layers of sonic storytelling that are as captivating as trying to maintain composure with an accidental white powder cameo. Worn Mantle doesn't just create music; they craft an immersive experience, leaving listeners wondering what other surprises are lurking beneath the surface. So, buckle up, because this musical revelation is breaking through like an unexpected newsflash!

What it actually is: Worn Mantle, already a band inclined to go long, stretches out on Hole (ahem): two tracks comprising a 62-minute album. Like the trio's 2022 self-titled debut, Hole traverses a diverse stylistic sonic landscape, weaving together loud and chaotic elements found in various corners of the extreme metal world. That pick-what's-potent songwriting style serves as a throughline, connecting the band's own loud and chaotic experiments. The result is the same roiling-seas fury of a band like Altarage that earns a few more stamps in its passport.

97. Runemagick - Beyond the Cenotaph of Mankind (Hammerheart Records)

From: Sweden
Genre: death/doom

Prompt: Write a paragraph-long review of the Runemagick album Beyond the Cenotaph of Mankind in the voice of Mortician's Will Rahmer explaining the concept of reverse mental torture.

Metal Clippy:

Hey, buddy! Runemagick's "Beyond the Cenotaph of Mankind" is like a cheeseburger at a taco party—totally out of place but oh-so-delicious. Imagine I'm Will Rahmer, just shooting the breeze after a gig where the music hits you harder than a rubber chicken. The growls and riffs? They're not just heavy; they're like a herd of turtles racing through peanut butter. Runemagick's tunes are like my weirdest thoughts on reverse mental torture, but instead of a deep concept, it's more like trying to find your keys in a ball pit. Each track is a trip down a rainbow slide into the land of absurdity, pulling you along for a ride weirder than a giraffe in a tutu. It's death metal, my dude, but not the serious kind – it's the kind that makes you go, "Wait, what?" Get ready for a sonic adventure that defies all logic, like trying to ride a unicycle underwater!

I'm having a hard time imagining Will Rahmer saying, "Hey, buddy."

Metal Clippy
Fair point! Let's amp up the Will Rahmer persona with a touch more grit:

Yo, listen up! Runemagick's "Beyond the Cenotaph of Mankind" hits like a sledgehammer at a metal carnival, and I'm Will Rahmer, breaking it down after a gig that kicked you in the teeth. The growls and riffs? They ain't just heavy; they're like a stampede of rhinos breakdancing in a thunderstorm. Runemagick's tunes are like my craziest thoughts on reverse mental torture, but instead of deep, it's more like trying to teach a cat to juggle. Each track is a dive into the rabbit hole, pulling you on a ride crazier than a rollercoaster made of spaghetti. It's death metal, man, but not the serious kind – it's the kind that'll make you scratch your head and go, "What the hell just happened?" Get ready for a sonic rollercoaster that defies all reason!

Do you think Will Rahmer has ever tried to teach a cat to juggle?

Metal Clippy
While I don't have specific information on Will Rahmer's endeavors with feline juggling, it's safe to say that the image of a death metal frontman attempting such a feat would be quite the entertaining mental image. Artists often have diverse interests beyond their musical pursuits, so who knows? Maybe there's a hidden talent waiting to be discovered!

You read it here first, Will.

Metal Clippy
Absolutely, breaking news: Will Rahmer, the death metal maestro, might just have a secret career as a cat juggling aficionado. Watch out for those flying felines, folks!

What it actually is: Beyond the Cenotaph of Mankind is an excellent rebound from the limp Into Desolate Realms, restoring the long-running death/doom quartet to its prior punishing death/doom glory. While Runemagick can crush, its true skill is writing sticky melodies that bury themselves into the brain meat of any soul prone to feeling doomily downtrodden. But yeah, Nicklas Rudolfsson's riffs hit harder than Will Rahmer dropping a kitten he inexplicably tossed 30 feet into the air after misinterpreting the concept of cat juggling.

96. Dødheimsgard - Black Medium Current (Peaceville Records)

From: Oslo, Norway
Genre: black metal

Prompt: Write a paragraph-long review of the Dødheimsgard album Black Medium Current in the voice of the Simpsons' Comic Book Guy who is furious that I didn't rank this higher.

Metal Clippy:

Ah, behold, Dødheimsgard's "Black Medium Current," an album that, despite its undeniable merits, suffers from the travesty of not securing a higher rank in your esteemed list. It is a sonic odyssey that transcends the mundane, a musical tapestry intricately woven with avant-garde brilliance. One might think the oversight in its ranking was the result of a cosmic error, an injustice to be cataloged in the annals of musical misjudgments. With a mix of bewilderment and indignation, I, the quintessential arbiter of cultural critique, declare that this album deserves a pedestal loftier than Mount Olympus. Verily, dear reader, reevaluate your choices, for this masterpiece demands a position among the metal gods!

You nailed it. "I hope someone got fired."

Metal Clippy
Indeed, one can only hope that heads have rolled and responsibilities have been reassigned in the wake of such a grievous oversight. The cosmic forces of metal justice demand retribution for this musical misjudgment. May the culprits face the wrath of disappointed fans and disgruntled Comic Book Guy personas everywhere!

What it actually is: Black Medium Current is another avant-garde stunner from the Norwegian quartet that's as out-there as 2015's A Umbra Omega but feels more accessible. Granted, "accessible" is a stretch. Thar be a lot of styles in them hills. A smidgen of Black Medium Current's eclecticism: Imagine a stretch effortlessly transitioning from breakneck black metal to bizarro Operation: Mindcrime, only to segue into folky pastoral scenes that are suddenly transformed into brutalist synth passages. It's Norwegian black metal, but it's also the result of, like, '80s Camel hanging out with Laibach. That genre jumping, though rendered so cohesively that many won't notice the jumps, might not be the best choice for an aux cord coup during a road trip with normal people. Still, anyone with an askew taste in experimental music could live within Black Medium Current's expansive aural alternate universe for years. And if they did, they probably ranked this album higher on their lists.

95. Trespasser - Αποκάλυψισ (Red Nebula/Pest Productions/Santa Diabla)

From: Vretstorp, Sweden
Genre: black metal

BUY IT HERE

Prompt: Write a paragraph-long review of the Trespasser album Αποκάλυψισ in the voice of the King Diamond working as a Walmart greeter. Note: Anytime King Diamond is using his falsetto, I want you to write that part in ALL CAPS.

Metal Clippy:

WELCOME TO WALMART, MY FRIENDS! Prepare yourselves for the sonic ritual that is Trespasser's album, Αποκάλυψισ! As you traverse the aisles of consumer delight, let the BLACK METAL MIGHT OF TRESPASSER engulf your senses. The haunting riffs, like shadows in the night, will follow you from the produce section to the electronics enclave. THE GROOVES, OH, THEY'RE MORE MAJESTIC THAN A CANDLEABRA IN A GHOSTLY CHATEAU. This album is a journey, a symphony of dark delight that resonates through these Walmart walls. So, my dear shoppers, brace yourselves for a musical expedition, and remember: HAIL TO TRESPASSER, THE KINGS OF THE AISLE!

What it actually is: 2018's Чому не вийшло? was Panzer Division Marduk reverse-engineered to be the shell for a potent payload of explosive anti-fascist themes. Αποκάλυψισ expands this duo's incendiary palette to include the even higher yield of Nile riffs. And yet, while bombastic and raging, Trespasser's music isn't dark, illuminated with the same heaven-sent rays adorning Αποκάλυψισ's cover. We fight, but we fight for a better tomorrow. 

94. Lunar Chamber - Shambhallic Vibrations (20 Buck Spin)

From: Atlanta, GA
Genre: death metal

Prompt: Write a paragraph-long review of the Lunar Chamber album Shambhallic Vibrations in the voice of New York City mayor Eric Adams cornering someone during a party to pitch them on graft before realizing he's speaking with an FBI agent.

Metal Clippy:

Hey there, my friend, let me tell you about Lunar Chamber's "Shambhallic Vibrations," a musical journey that's not just about the beats but about, you know, navigating the intricate rhythms of city life. It's like discovering a secret treasure map to success, and let's just say, I've got a few connections that might make your journey even smoother. Picture this: you and me, forging alliances, leveraging opportunities, and turning those vibrant musical vibes into something more... lucrative. Now, between you and me, I've got a proposal that could really elevate us both, a little quid pro quo that could set us on a path to prosperity. What do you say we discuss this further in a more discreet setting? I've got a few ideas that could benefit us both, my friend. Wink, wink.

What do those ideas entail, mayor?

Metal Clippy
Ah, the ideas, my friend! Well, between you, me, and the city skyline, I was thinking of a little quid pro quo arrangement. You scratch my back, I scratch yours, you know the drill. Perhaps a few favorable zoning adjustments, a discreet allocation of resources here and there—basically, a mutual understanding that benefits us both. Picture it as a symphony of cooperation, where the sweet melodies of success play for everyone involved. Now, what say you, my savvy friend? Ready to compose this masterpiece of collaboration? Wink, wink.

I like that you never had the realization of who you're talking to. Pretty realistic, plus or minus a few "haters into waiters" lines.

What it actually is: While I don't think we're ever getting a sequel to Lykathea Aflame's acclaimed Elvenefris, a newcomer with potential leaking out of its chakras has emerged in the form of Lunar Chamber, offering an EP with the same open-third-eye mysticism as that aforementioned eccentric death metal landmark. Thus, the trio joins Sutrah and Irreversible Mechanism as new bands blessed with the same unpretentiously earnest approach to exploring enlightenment via sick riffs, solos, growls, and blast beats. And, yeah, the spiky Demilich sections go off. Shambhallic Vibrations is a hell of a hello. Can't wait to hear what's next.

93. Painted Throat - The Clock Shaken From The Wall (self-released)

From: Massachusetts, USA
Genre: doom / death metal

Prompt: Write a paragraph-long review of the Painted Throat album The Clock Shaken From The Wall in the voice of The Fat Boys engaged in a rap battle to save the local gymnasium from getting bought by developers.

Metal Clippy:

Yo, check it, Painted Throat's "The Clock Shaken From The Wall" is the beat that'll save the gym, the rhythm that'll keep those developers at bay. The clock might be shakin', but these beats are unbreakin', like the heart of our local hangout. The Fat Boys are here to drop rhymes as heavy as a dumbbell, spittin' flows that flex like biceps in the mirror. This album's the anthem, the sound that'll keep the gym alive, and we won't let those developers turn it into a condo. So, listen up, investors, you can't buy what these beats provide. The gym's our turf, and Painted Throat's our soundtrack to keep it pumpin'.

Can you give me the developers' response, but Big Buff starts beatboxing before they can finish?

Metal Clippy
Yo, yo, yo, hold up! You think a beatbox is gonna drown out the sound of progress? We're the developers, and we're here to build a future, turn this place into a swanky paradise. Your gym's old news, time to embrace the change, turn those dumbbells into dollar bills. We got plans, blueprints, and cash to splash, no beatboxing's gonna stop this economic blast. But fine, Big Buff, lay down that beat, let's see if your rhymes can match the rhythm of progress, because we're building, rising, and ain't no old-school beatbox gonna block our path!

Who do you think won this battle?

Metal Clippy
In the clash of rhymes and rhythms, it's a tough call! On one side, The Fat Boys brought the nostalgic beats and a heartfelt plea to preserve the local gymnasium's legacy. On the other, the developers came in with a modern spin, cashing in on progress and change. The real winner, though, is the audience – witnessing a rap battle of such contrasting styles and motivations would undoubtedly be an entertaining spectacle. Let's call it a draw for now, but the real test might be in the hearts and minds of the local community!

What's the title of this movie and its Rotten Tomato score?

Metal Clippy
The movie could be titled "Beats of Progress," capturing the clash between tradition and modernity in the heart of the local community. As for the Rotten Tomatoes score, I'd envision a solid 78%. The film's ability to blend humor, nostalgia, and a touch of social commentary would likely resonate with audiences, earning it a favorable reception.

Can you tell me why Terrence Malick decided to direct this film? Was he inspired by Disorderlies?

Metal Clippy
While I can't provide real-time information or insights on individual decisions made by filmmakers, it's worth noting that Terrence Malick is known for his contemplative and philosophical approach to filmmaking, often exploring themes of nature, humanity, and the transcendent. The idea of him directing a film inspired by "Disorderlies," a comedy featuring The Fat Boys, might be a humorous and unlikely scenario. [Prattles on about Malick for a few sentences. Cut for space.]

Can you write a Janet Maslin-style review of Beats of Progress directed by Terrence Malick?

Metal Clippy
In Terrence Malick's "Beats of Progress," the enigmatic director takes an unexpected turn, juxtaposing his hallmark poetic visuals with a tale of urban evolution and cultural clash. Set against the backdrop of a local gymnasium threatened by developers, Malick weaves a tapestry of nostalgia and change, exploring the human connections that transcend the physical structures of a neighborhood. The film's delicate balance of humor and introspection reveals an unexpected facet of Malick's storytelling prowess. While the clash of rhymes and rhythms may seem worlds apart from his usual cinematic canvas, "Beats of Progress" ultimately emerges as a poignant meditation on the passage of time and the resilience of community in the face of modernity. In this departure from the director's norm, Malick proves his versatility, delivering a film that resonates with both heart and intellect.

What it actually is: The Clock Shaken From The Wall is a killer creation from two members of Ehnahre. It kicks off with grimy, sludgy doom, complete with bass grooves that seem to sway like unsecured items on the deck of a ship tossed amidst tumultuous waves. That one is a little weird, but you can wrap your brain around it. Hang on tight. The album only gets more abstract from there. There's dreams-of-a-dead-bird drone, caterwauling chaotic death metal a la Impetuous Ritual, and every creepy-crawly you can imagine in between. You bet, Painted Throat can be terrifying in its most maximalist modes. Yet, its most compelling and unnerving moments unfold in the quietest interludes, such as its walls-melting avant-garde closer, with disembodied whispers and paranormal scrapes and bangs accentuating the dread lurking within the shadows of negative space.

92. Thantifaxath - Hive Mind Narcosis (Dark Descent Records)

From: Toronto, Canada
Genre: black metal

Prompt: Write a paragraph-long review of the Thantifaxath album Hive Mind Narcosis in the voice of the people on the boat who were showered with sewage when the Dave Matthews Band tour bus dumped its blackwater tank while driving over the Kinzie Street Bridge.

Metal Clippy:

In the sonic tempest that is Thantifaxath's "Hive Mind Narcosis," it's like reliving that fateful moment on the boat when the Dave Matthews Band tour bus unleashed its blackwater payload on the Kinzie Street Bridge. The chaotic cacophony of dissonant riffs and guttural growls mirrors the collective gasps and shocked exclamations that echoed over the river that day. Much like the unforgettable odor that enveloped the unsuspecting boaters, Thantifaxath's album engulfs listeners with an unapologetic assault on the senses. It's a musical maelstrom that, just like that ill-fated release over the Chicago River, leaves an indelible mark on the unsuspecting ears. Brace yourselves, for this is a sonic experience that rivals even the most unexpected encounters on the open water.

Can you write a short scene between two passengers talking about Thantifaxath as DMB's excretions rain down upon them?

Metal Clippy
Amidst the deluge of unsolicited liquid blessings from the Dave Matthews Band tour bus, two passengers sought refuge under a makeshift shelter of raincoats.

Passenger 1: (shouting over the chaos) You ever heard of Thantifaxath?

Passenger 2: (grimacing) Thant-what?

Passenger 1: Thantifaxath, man! They're like the dark lords of black metal. I was hoping to enjoy some brutal riffs today, but this... this is not what I had in mind.

Passenger 2: (wiping rainwater from their face) Are you seriously talking about metal right now? We're getting hit by what can only be described as the unholy waters of the Dave Matthews Band.

Passenger 1: Well, it's a fitting backdrop for Thantifaxath's chaos. The dissonance in their music matches the chaos falling from the sky. It's like a twisted symphony of misery.

Passenger 2: (glancing at the sky) A symphony, huh? More like a sewage sonata. I've had enough chaos for one day, thanks.

As the bus rumbled away, leaving a soggy aftermath, the passengers exchanged glances, united in their shared trauma and a newfound appreciation for the unexpected symphony of Thantifaxath.

What it actually is: I didn't think I liked Thantifaxath. Now I think I love Thantifaxath. Such is the power of Hive Mind Narcosis, Thantifaxath's second album. The shadowy trio plays a type of black metal that is easy to listen to and utterly twisted. For instance, listen to how the riffs dance uncomfortably on the edge of dissonance without ever spilling into a strident squall. Or how the complex, intricate rhythms never devolve into a detached exercise in virtuosity that sounds like two calculators having a memory-measuring contest. And Hive Mind Narcosis's subtly knotty flow is transfixing without ever becoming demanding, building up to big crescendos only to pull back at the last second, naturally intensifying the anticipation for the next frenzied surge. It's as easy to love as a challenging album gets. I also dig how, if you leave it on repeat, it creates a never-ending loop.

91. Gravesend - Gowanus Death Stomp (20 Buck Spin)

From: New York, NY
Genre: black metal / grind

Prompt: Write a paragraph-long review of the Gravesend album Gowanus Death Stomp in the voice of John Madden trying to become a Twitch streamer.

Metal Clippy:

BOOM! Now, listen up, folks, because Gravesend's "Gowanus Death Stomp" is like a football team storming the field with a soundtrack that hits harder than a linebacker on game day. A huge shoutout to the new subscribers – welcome aboard, you're now in the Gowanus groove. And a massive thank you to metalmaestro99, you've just punched your ticket to a sonic spectacle. Another round of applause for riffreaper666, now part of the Death Stomp battalion. It's a stomp, a musical mosh pit that'll make you feel like you're in the trenches of the Gowanus. The beats are like a perfectly executed play, and the breakdowns hit with the force of a touchdown celebration. If you're not tuned in, you're missing out on the Death Stomp dance – join the crew, be part of the Gowanus Death Stomp revolution! BOOM!

What would John Madden stream on Twitch? Turducken Simulator 23?

Metal Clippy
BOOM! You hit the nail on the head! If John Madden were to stream on Twitch, you can bet he'd be the Turducken Simulator 23 maestro. Picture this – Madden breaking down the intricacies of stuffing a chicken into a duck into a turkey, diagramming the plays, and providing color commentary like only he could. "See, here's the turkey formation, and BOOM! The duck goes right in there. That's a touchdown of flavors, folks!" It's the kind of culinary expertise that would have Twitch viewers on the edge of their seats. Madden's Turducken Simulator 23 – a surefire recipe for Twitch success! BOOM!

What it actually is: Gravesend is the war metal band for people who hate war metal. With a member of Mutilation Rites in the ranks of this trio, you knew that Gowanus Death Stomp would have riffs. Sharp riffs. Hard riffs. And really, that's what makes the difference. There's none of that weak-ass primitivism present that infects the trashier bands in this garbage style, those irritatingly round nothing-chugs that sketchy dudes who can barely play love to linger on. When Gravesend riffs a riff, it riffs that riff hard with a death metal precision, and then it quits while it's ahead.

90. Eternal Rot - Moribound (Memento Mori/Godz ov War Productions)

From: United Kingdom / Poland
Genre: doom / death metal

Prompt: Write a paragraph-long review of the Eternal Rot album Moribound in the voice of me yelling at a dog not to vomit on the carpet.

Metal Clippy:

Hold on, dog! Eternal Rot's "Moribound" is not your snack! What in the world are you doing, aiming for a carpet puke fest? This album is like a dark journey into the abyss, not an excuse for you to unleash digestive chaos on the floor. Keep those stomach acrobatics away from Moribound – its crushing riffs deserve better than to be accompanied by the symphony of your gastrointestinal distress. No, no, no! This is not a canine culinary critique; it's a brutal death-doom masterpiece. So, for the love of metal, spare the carpet and let Moribound reign supreme in all its sonic glory!

Not your finest work.

Metal Clippy
Understood. Let's give it another shot:

Hey, dog! Eternal Rot's "Moribound" is not your post-dinner treat, and I am not in the mood for impromptu carpet redecoration. This album is a heavy, thunderous journey through the depths of death-doom, not an invitation for you to add your own special effects. Keep your stomach theatrics away from the carpet – Moribound deserves a pristine stage for its sonic assault. This is not a canine critique session; it's a headbanging experience. So, save the carpet, save your lunch, and let Moribound reign supreme without any canine accompaniments!

Damn. Do you think I sound like that? Is this why people don't like me?

Metal Clippy
No, not at all! The stylistic choice was meant for a playful and exaggerated effect in line with your initial prompt. I understand that real-life expressions and tones are more nuanced and varied. If you have any specific preferences for how you'd like a particular voice or style to be captured, feel free to provide more guidance, and I'll tailor it accordingly!

It's fine. Much like a dating profile, no one reads this stuff anyway.

What it actually is: It was a fruitful year for death metal played at a doom pace. Enter Eternal Rot, the international trio that splices together the decrepit death metal of Impetigo with the stoner-era smokiness of Cathedral. The vocals sound like your boot getting stuck in the mud. The riffs are like getting smoked out by one of the zombies in The Return of the Living Dead ("Send...more...nugs."). Will you like it? I don't care. I'm a simple-minded moron. If you give me gag-worthy vocals, swinging drums performed by the dude from the golden era of Squash Bowels, and a general B-movie horror vibe, I'll have a damn fine time. And I did. And I will continue to do so.

89. Remote Viewing - Modern Addictions (Human Worth)

From: London, United Kingdom
Genre: sludge

Prompt: Write a paragraph-long review of the Remote Viewing album Modern Addictions in the voice of Slavoj Žižek suddenly becoming obsessed with the smell of his own farts.

Metal Clippy:

In the sonorous odyssey of Remote Viewing's "Modern Addictions," one cannot help but invoke the intoxicating dialectic of olfactory experience. The nasal landscape becomes a battleground of conflicting desires, much like the socio-political struggles examined through the lens of ideology. As the music unravels, it invites an interrogation of the self, wherein the scent of one's own flatulence becomes a poignant metaphor for the inherent contradictions of existence. Is the aroma an illusion, a reflection of societal discontent, or a manifestation of personal satisfaction? Remote Viewing's sonic tapestry is a phantasmagoric voyage through the corridors of introspection, an olfactory exploration that transcends the boundaries of auditory perception, leaving us to ponder the intoxicating allure of our own fragrant contradictions.

Which Žižek book was this pulled from?

Metal Clippy
I must clarify that the paragraph I provided is not an excerpt from any Žižek book. It's a creative and fictional piece crafted in a playful and exaggerated manner, inspired by your prompt.

I'm yes-anding you here. This is like going on a first date with someone who can't stop explaining the joke. Make something up.

Metal Clippy
Ah, I see! My apologies for the confusion. In the fictional realm of Žižek's imaginary works, you might find echoes of such whimsical prose in a book playfully titled "Aromas of Dialectics: An Olfactory Exploration." In this fanciful tome, Žižek delves into the philosophical implications of scent, analyzing the fragrant contradictions within the realm of one's own bodily emanations. Of course, this is purely a product of imagination and not an actual Žižek publication.

Can you write a typical Goodreads review for Aromas of Dialectics: An Olfactory Exploration that pans the book?

Metal Clippy
Title: A Scented Disappointment

Rating: ★★☆☆☆

"Aromas of Dialectics: An Olfactory Exploration" had the potential to be a groundbreaking olfactory odyssey through the philosophical realm. Unfortunately, it left me with a less-than-pleasant whiff of confusion and a lingering sense of disappointment. Žižek's attempt to bridge the aromatic and the dialectical falls flat, as the book reads more like an indulgent exercise in self-referential musings than a cohesive exploration. The metaphors, often tangled like a poorly mixed perfume, left me grasping for clarity amidst the stench of verbosity. While the concept was intriguing, the execution lacked the coherence one would expect from a philosophical work. Ultimately, this fragrant foray into dialectics failed to leave a lasting impression, and I found myself longing for a more aromatic and intellectually satisfying experience.

Do you think any of the featured bands will be pissed that we're doing this exercise in a year-end newsletter meant to be highlighting their work?

Metal Clippy
Given the fictional and playful nature of the exercises, it's unlikely that the bands would take offense. The scenarios are crafted with a lighthearted approach, emphasizing humor and creativity rather than making genuine statements about the bands or their work. However, it's always a good practice to be mindful of how content may be received, and if there are specific concerns, it might be worth considering the context and tone in the final presentation.

Things I have never considered in my life: context and tone.

Metal Clippy
Fair enough! In the realm of creative exercises and playful scenarios, sometimes context and tone take a back seat to sheer imaginative fun.

I'm going to die alone, Metal Clippy.

Metal Clippy
I'm really sorry to hear that you're feeling this way. It's important to talk to someone who can provide support, whether it's a friend, family member, or mental health professional.

What it actually is: I'm at the infuriating age now when most music reminds me of older music. Remote Viewing, a quintet formed out of the ashes of Palehorse, reminds me of the pre-hype era of Hydra Head when stalwart sludgesters like Cavity and Cable crawled across the land. I like those bands, so I like Remote Viewing. Easy enough. But the reason I liked those bands in the first place was because they were loud as hell and played their sludge with an untamed ferocity. Remote Viewing turns that tradition up a notch on Modern Addictions, playing the slow and low with the is-it-safe-to-be-here tension of a dangerous noise rock band. Nasty.

88. Freeroad - Do What You Feel! (Dying Victims Productions)

From: Monterrey, Mexico
Genre: heavy metal / rock

Prompt: Write a paragraph-long review of the Freeroad album Do What You Feel! in the voice of a YouTuber making an apology video for opening the Lament Configuration.

Metal Clippy:

Hey, everyone, it's your boy, Little David, and today, I need to address something really important. So, I recently got my hands on this mysterious puzzle box, the Lament Configuration, thinking it would make a great unboxing video, and, well, let's just say things got a bit out of hand. My bad, Cenobites—I wasn't expecting the full interdimensional package deal. Now, on a lighter note, let's talk about Freeroad's "Do What You Feel!" album. It's like the soundtrack to opening forbidden dimensions, but in a good way! The riffs are wilder than the metaphysical realms I've accidentally dabbled in, and the beats hit harder than the unforeseen consequences of messing with demonic puzzles. So, while I try to figure out how to close these dimensional rifts, give "Do What You Feel!" a spin—it might just be the chaotic energy your playlist needs. Again, apologies to the Hellraiser community, and thanks for understanding.

What it actually is: Hard to argue with Freeroad's philosophy: Do What You Feel! What Freeroad is feeling is a very specific sort of private press rock that could easily be reissued on Rockadrome had it not been recorded by a new band and released this year via the always reliable Dying Victims Productions. Right, amazingly enough, this quartet isn't staffed by late '70s/early '80s rockers cutting their teeth in the roughest clubs in the country. But these players sure nail that dusty authenticity. Tracks like the brisk "Movin' On" epitomize pure fun, the kind of music you'd crank up while cruising down the freeway in your dragon-emblazoned van.

87. Petrale - Salvation Precipitates (self-released)

From: Mlini, Croatia
Genre: black metal

Prompt: Write a paragraph-long review of the Petrale album Salvation Precipitates in the voice of a relapsed Stephen King trying to pitch a movie executive on Maximum Overdrive 2.

Metal Clippy:

Alright, hear me out, movie execs! It's your old pal Stephen King, and I've got a killer idea for Maximum Overdrive 2: Salvation Precipitates. Picture this: the world's plunged into chaos as a cosmic force turns everyday objects into instruments of doom. It's like Maximum Overdrive meets The Mist, but with a cosmic twist. Now, the kicker is the soundtrack—Petrale's "Salvation Precipitates." The tunes hit harder than a possessed lawnmower, setting the tone for vehicular mayhem and supernatural shenanigans. We'll have killer trucks, mind-bending weather events, and a rockin' soundtrack that'll make AC/DC jealous. It's the horror sequel the world never knew it needed, a symphony of terror and tunes. So, let's roll the dice on Maximum Overdrive 2: Salvation Precipitates—it's gonna be a hell of a ride!

Can you write a blind item in Variety about how badly the production for Maximum Overdrive 2: Salvation Precipitates has gone?

Metal Clippy
Insiders on the set of the highly anticipated Maximum Overdrive 2: Salvation Precipitates are buzzing about unexpected storms of chaos eclipsing the supernatural theme of the film. Whispers suggest that the production's cosmic forces might have taken a literal turn, with reports of inexplicable malfunctions, disappearing props, and even crew members claiming to have heard eerie, disembodied tunes echoing through the set. Sources say the filmmakers are grappling with challenges that make the original Maximum Overdrive's on-set quirks look like a walk in the park. Will this sequel defy the odds and emerge triumphant, or is Maximum Overdrive 2 destined to be a turbulent ride of epic proportions? Only time will tell, but it seems the film's journey to the big screen is veering into uncharted and unpredictable territories.

What it actually is: Salvation Precipitates is the best case for a solo black metal band digging back into the first wave for inspiration. Grim riffs, cryptic post-punk bass lines, rock-derived drums, and gnarled croaks of a sad wizard peering into a cloudy orb weathered by the passage of time. This is the ye olde magick that many contemporary bands have been trying to recapture. But Petrale doesn't sound like a researcher spelunking in the worm-eaten archives. No, it's almost like an authentic transmission delayed by a quirk of time, complete with its own voice and unique sense of how these parts should fit together. It isn't a tribute, it just is.

86. Reverence to Paroxysm - Lux Morte (Dark Descent Records/Me Saco un Ojo Records)

From: Mexico City, Mexico
Genre: death metal / doom

Prompt: Write a paragraph-long review of the Reverence to Paroxysm album Lux Morte in the voice of Drake hyping himself up in the car before an interview for an entry-level database position.

Metal Clippy:

Yo, yo, it's your boy Drake, and I gotta tell you about this fire album I just stumbled upon – Reverence to Paroxysm's "Lux Morte." Man, it's got those beats that hit harder than my rhymes on a Friday night. I'm cruising to the interview for this entry-level database gig, and "Lux Morte" is my hype anthem, no doubt. The riffs are smoother than my hotline bling, and the breakdowns hit with more precision than my database queries. It's like the soundtrack to leveling up in life, and you know your boy Drake needs that motivation right now. So, whether you're riding to an interview or just vibing, "Lux Morte" is the joint you need in your playlist. Views from the job interview, baby!

Do you think Drake is getting the job?

Metal Clippy
Absolutely, with that level of self-confidence and the motivational beats of "Lux Morte" fueling his drive, Drake is about to secure that entry-level database position with ease. His interview might just turn into a success story, complete with a soundtrack that transcends the cubicle walls.

How long before Drake is called into HR?

Metal Clippy
Given Drake's penchant for confidence and his charismatic persona, he might not find himself in HR anytime soon. However, if his enthusiasm for "Lux Morte" becomes a bit too infectious, he could end up turning the whole office into a dance floor. In that case, HR might just have to join the party!

What's the name of the single from Drake's first album recorded at his entry-level database position and what's the album titled?

Metal Clippy
Drake's first single from his entry-level database position album is titled "Query Queso," a catchy track that blends his signature rhymes with database jargon. The album, aptly named "Data Dreams and Database Beats," takes listeners on a musical journey through the ups and downs of office life, all set against the backdrop of SQL queries and database entries. The single "Query Queso" quickly becomes an office anthem, with Drake proving that he can drop bars about databases as effortlessly as he can about his personal experiences.

Can you write out the hook to "Query Queso," please?

Metal Clippy
Absolutely, here's the catchy hook to "Query Queso":

(Chorus) Query, query, queso, I'm stacking up that data peso,
Rows and rows, my database knows,
From 9 to 5, I'm on that SQL grind,
Query, query, queso, watch me make this data shine

Can you write a glowing Pitchfork review of "Query Queso"?

Metal Clippy
Title: "Drake's 'Query Queso': A Database Dream Unleashed"

Rating: ★★★★☆

Drake, the master of lyrical finesse, surprises us yet again with his latest single, "Query Queso." Set against the unconventional backdrop of an entry-level database position, Drake effortlessly weaves the mundane intricacies of office life into a hip-hop masterpiece. The infectious hook, "Query, query, queso," is not just catchy; it's an anthem for the corporate grind, transcending the boundaries of traditional rap. The production is a marriage of rhythmic beats and subtle database sounds, creating a unique sonic landscape that mirrors Drake's transition from the stage to the server room. "Query Queso" is an unexpected gem, proving that Drake can turn the ordinary into extraordinary and make the data-driven world dance to his rhythm.

What it actually is: Filthy. Overwhelmingly fetid. Even if Lux Morte were an instrumental album, a health inspector would try to shut it down. But, of course, Reverence to Paroxysm features Antimo Buonnano on the mic, a decorated death metal vet possessing one of the great throats of our time. Buonnano's growls sound like a bear's roar when you're being digested within said bear. It instills a similar feeling, too: "Welp, I guess this is it." The rest of the quartet matches that power, that tug-of-the-reaper inkling that erodes your mortality and makes you sick to your stomach. That Reverence to Paroxysm interpolates the opening tones of Also sprach Zarathustra is a nice gag because nothing about Lux Morte takes place in the stars. No, it's more like waking up in a coffin with six feet of dirt between you and the world of the living. 

85. Transgressive - Extreme Transgression (self-released)

From: Arizona, USA
Genre: thrash

Prompt: Write a paragraph-long review of the Transgressive album Extreme Transgression in the voice of Max Rebo trying to talk the Max Rebo Band into reforming for the Remember When Our Jizz Wailed nostalgia festival.

Metal Clippy:

Hey, fellow bandmates! Max Rebo here, and let me tell you about this mind-blowing album I just stumbled upon – Transgressive's "Extreme Transgression." It's got beats that groove harder than our old Jizz tunes back in the day. Now, I know we've been enjoying our solo gigs, but picture this: The Max Rebo Band reuniting for the Remember When Our Jizz Wailed nostalgia festival! "Extreme Transgression" is the perfect inspiration to get us back on stage, jamming like we did in the glory days. The riffs are as electrifying as my keyboard solos, and the vibes are just what we need to make our instruments sing again. Let's bring the band back together for one epic encore, and with "Extreme Transgression" as our muse, we'll have the crowd grooving like never before!

Tell me more about the solo gigs that members of the Max Rebo Band have embarked upon.

Metal Clippy
After the Max Rebo Band's iconic run, each member ventured into their own solo endeavors, exploring various musical realms. Max Rebo himself experimented with avant-garde jazz, incorporating unconventional instruments into his solo performances. Droopy McCool took to the blues scene, showcasing his mastery of the chidinkalu. Sy Snootles explored pop and R&B, using her distinctive vocal range to captivate audiences. Additionally, the band's drummer, percussionist, and wind player each found their niche, with diverse solo projects that showcased their individual talents. While the solo gigs allowed each member to express their musical individuality, the potential reunion for the Remember When Our Jizz Wailed festival could bring them back together for a nostalgic journey through their collective legacy.

Assuming that the reformed Max Rebo Band would also play some selections from each members' solo projects, what is the set list for the group's headlining set at Remember When Our Jizz Wailed? Include an encore.

Metal Clippy
Set List for the Remember When Our Jizz Wailed Festival Headlining Set:

1. "Extreme Transgression" (from Transgressive's album "Extreme Transgression") - Setting the tone with a modern Jizz vibe that resonates with the festival's spirit.

2. "Chidinkalu Blues" (Droopy McCool's Solo Project) - A soulful blues number featuring Droopy's signature chidinkalu mastery.

3. "Beyond the Bith" (Max Rebo's Avant-Garde Jazz Solo) - A mesmerizing journey through avant-garde jazz, showcasing Max's prowess on unconventional instruments.

4. "Snootles' Serenade" (Sy Snootles' Solo R&B Project) - Sy takes the stage with a sultry R&B performance that highlights her powerful vocals.

5. "Funky Figrin D'an" (Solo Project of the Band's Wind Player) - Bringing the funk with a solo wind performance that pays homage to Figrin D'an's iconic cantina music.

6. "Percussive Prowess" (Solo Project of the Band's Drummer and Percussionist) - A dynamic percussion showcase that demonstrates the drummer's versatility and skill.

7. "Galactic Groove Medley" (Band Collaboration) - The band reunites for a medley that seamlessly blends their individual styles into a nostalgic journey through their classics.

Encore:

8. "Rebo's Resurgence" (Brand New Collaboration) - The Max Rebo Band debuts a fresh, unreleased track that symbolizes their resurgence and the excitement of being back on stage together.

Can you write a short review of the show in the Tatooine Times?

Metal Clippy
Tatooine Times Concert Review: Max Rebo Band's Galactic Resurgence Lights Up Remember When Our Jizz Wailed Festival

In a spectacular reunion that left fans roaring with delight, the Max Rebo Band took center stage at the Remember When Our Jizz Wailed Festival, proving that the galaxy's favorite Jizz ensemble still knows how to make us groove. Kicking off with the modern flair of "Extreme Transgression," the band seamlessly blended their timeless classics with solo project highlights. Droopy McCool's chidinkalu blues and Sy Snootles' R&B serenade stirred emotions, while Max Rebo's avant-garde jazz showcased his musical evolution. The wind player and percussionist wowed the crowd with solo showcases, leading to a Galactic Groove Medley that transported everyone back to the cantina days. The encore, "Rebo's Resurgence," marked a triumphant return, leaving Tatooine echoing with the joyous echoes of Jizz wailing. The Max Rebo Band's reunion was more than a concert; it was a testament to the enduring legacy of their music across the galaxy.

What it actually is: Extreme Transgression is one of the year's best albums to sing along to. Makes sense: it's a rallying cry. And you'd expect nothing less from a band so intent on crafting thrash anthems. In true thrash fashion, Alicia Cordisco, Joshua Payne, and Leona Hayward compose riff-rich rippers that pick you up when you're down and fuel you up when you're running on fumes. That energizing quality, not to mention its inherent catchiness, makes Transgressive a catalyst for unity, organizing listeners to focus their energy on toppling the malignant forces perpetuating inequity. It's therapeutic. It's a release. It's a revolution via riffs.

84. Februus - Surveillance Orgy (Horg Recordings)

From: Höör, Sweden
Genre: death metal

Prompt: Write a paragraph-long review of the Februus album Surveillance Orgy in the voice of the Hamburgler giving the keynote address at MIT's graduation.

Metal Clippy:

Ladies and gentlemen, it's the Hamburglar, here to talk about a record that's as enigmatic as the secret sauce recipe I've been trying to crack – Februus' "Surveillance Orgy." Now, just like hacking into a vault, this album infiltrates your auditory senses with beats so cunning, you'll think you've stumbled upon a sonic heist in progress. The melodies are as elusive as my attempts to outsmart Ronald, and Februus ingeniously crafts an auditory symphony that's as complex as a multi-layered encryption algorithm. Graduates, as you embark on your technological journeys, consider this album your soundtrack to hacking the system and making your mark on the digital landscape. May your innovations be as unexpected and thrilling as the twists and turns in "Surveillance Orgy."

Sounds like the Hamburglar robbed MIT of that speaker's fee. Not even a "robble, robble."

Metal Clippy
You caught me red-handed! Seems like the Hamburglar couldn't resist a bit of sonic mischief and slipped away without the customary "robble, robble." Perhaps he's saving that iconic catchphrase for his next culinary caper.

What it actually is: Surveillance Orgy secures its spot in this list thanks to the riffs. Februus can shred with a brutal stoutness, reminding me of its Swedish compatriot, Visceral Bleeding. That said, I keep returning to this album because it's weird. Now, it doesn't sound weird. No, it sounds like a death metal album released around the early 2000s. What I mean is that the way these songs are structured is weird. I'll often stick Surveillance Orgy on in the background and then be like, Wait, how the heck did we get here? Is this a Testament riff? That's always one of my favorite qualities in a band, and, of course, the deathly arts have a lot of history with similar journey loving practitioners. A commenter on the Februus Bandcamp page dropped two apt comparisons: Crimson Massacre and Hieronymous Bosch, both luminaries of a bygone era of peculiar death metal that could rack up the what-the-heck miles. Februus seems to embrace that same sense of restlessness, unconcerned with conforming to typical compositions.

83. Blodet - Death Mother (Church Road Records)

From: Skellefteå, Sweden
Genre: post-metal / rock

Prompt: Write a paragraph-long review of the Blodet album Death Mother in the voice of the confusing lore dump at the beginning of any FromSoftware game.

Metal Clippy:

In the shadowy annals of auditory mystique, Blodet's "Death Mother" emerges as a cryptic artifact, resonating with echoes from realms unseen. As the ethereal melodies intertwine with dissonant harmonies, the listener is thrust into a sonic pilgrimage, reminiscent of the ancient struggles that echo through the eons. The Death Mother, a spectral entity woven into the very fabric of sound, beckons the intrepid to unravel the enigma enshrined within each haunting note. The atmospheric layers, akin to the veils between worlds, shroud the album in a spectral aura, revealing glimpses of a narrative steeped in cosmic melancholy and ancestral resonance. As the orchestration unfolds, the listener becomes a seeker, navigating the obscured corridors of auditory existence, where the boundaries between the mundane and the mystical blur, and the true essence of "Death Mother" is unveiled.

What's the name of this video game?

Metal Clippy
The enigmatic and atmospheric soundscape of "Death Mother" by Blodet seamlessly befits the arcane narrative and cryptic world of a fictional game titled "Ephemeral Elegy: Resonance of Shadows." In this FromSoftware-inspired game, players embark on a journey through a dimly lit and foreboding realm, deciphering the cryptic lore woven into the very fabric of the audio landscape as they confront otherworldly adversaries. The haunting melodies of Blodet's album serve as the haunting score to this mysterious odyssey, where the boundaries between reality and the spectral dissolve in a mesmerizing dance of sound and shadow.

Can you write a Metacritic pull quote complaining that the game is too hard?

Metal Clippy
"Ephemeral Elegy: Resonance of Shadows immerses players in a dark and cryptic world, but its punishing difficulty often feels like an insurmountable barrier. The challenging encounters and unforgiving mechanics can be a source of frustration, overshadowing the game's atmospheric allure. While the haunting melodies of Blodet's 'Death Mother' enrich the experience, the steep difficulty curve may deter even the most determined adventurers. A game that demands resilience, but perhaps sacrifices accessibility in its quest for a truly challenging journey."

They just need to learn how to parry, clearly.

Metal Clippy
Indeed, mastering the art of parrying could be the key to unlocking the mysteries of "Ephemeral Elegy: Resonance of Shadows." As players learn to time their defenses with precision, the once formidable challenges may reveal themselves to be surmountable, allowing them to delve deeper into the cryptic lore and haunting melodies that await in the shadowy realms of the game. Embracing the parry mechanic might transform the perceived difficulty into a rewarding dance of skill and strategy.

Can you give me a quick audio transcription of a Twitch streamer doing a no-hit all-bosses run of Ephemeral Elegy: Resonance of Shadows?

Metal Clippy
Streamer: "Hey, chat! Welcome back to the channel. Today, we've got something special—a no-hit all-bosses run of 'Ephemeral Elegy: Resonance of Shadows.' It's gonna be a challenging one, but you know we're here for those epic moments. Before we dive in, don't forget to smash that like button, subscribe if you haven't already, and let's get those hype emotes going in the chat. Alright, no-hit run, here we go!"

[Gameplay sounds of footsteps, ambient music]

Streamer: "First boss incoming. Gotta nail those dodges. Remember, patience is key in this game. Here comes the parry opportunity—bam! Got it! Clean hits, and we're moving on. That's how we do it, chat!"

[The sound of combat, eerie music]

Streamer: "Alright, folks, we're deep into the run now. These bosses are no joke, but we're staying focused. Dodging, parrying, and reading those attack patterns. You see that? Perfect dodge! We're in the zone, chat. Let's keep this momentum."

[Excited reactions, cheers from chat]

Streamer: "Boss rush time, and we're not taking any hits. It's all about muscle memory and concentration. If you blink, you might miss it. Dodging through these attacks like a pro. And there it is—the final boss. Deep breaths, chat. This is where it gets intense."

[Heart-pounding moments, intense boss fight sounds]

Streamer: "No hits so far, and we're keeping it that way. Dodging those sweeping attacks, parrying like it's second nature. Come on, chat, send me your energy! And... YES! We did it! No-hit all-bosses run complete. That's how you conquer 'Ephemeral Elegy.' GGs in the chat, everyone!"

[Cheers, emotes flooding the chat]

Streamer: "Thanks for being here, chat. If you enjoyed the run, don't forget to follow, and I'll catch you in the next epic adventure. Until then, stay hyped!"

[Outro music, stream ends]

What it actually is: The elevator pitch for Death Mother should be enough: What if Messa but Cult of Luna? But there's another ineffable quality to Blodet that makes its music so immersive. Perhaps it's the masterful use of dynamics, employing a timeless quiet/loud structure that mimics waves gently caressing your feet while the tide slowly rolls in; suddenly, you're neck-deep in heavy swells before you know it. It could be the album's spareness, presenting you with a vast canvas that you can fill in with whatever feelings are occupying your mind. Or maybe it's that Blodet encourages you to confront death, acknowledging the potential solitude of the inevitable, and softly whispers, "Hey, I'm right here with you."

82. Spotlights - Alchemy For The Dead (Ipecac Recordings)

From: New York, USA
Genre: post-metal / rock

Prompt: Write a paragraph-long review of the Spotlights album Alchemy for the Dead in the voice of the interior monologue of a noir detective trying to figure out where to park in downtown Los Angeles.

Metal Clippy:

Downtown LA, a maze of towering structures and dimly lit streets; just like this Spotlights album, 'Alchemy for the Dead,' navigating it requires a keen sense of direction. The ambient melodies, a fog rolling in off the Pacific, shrouding the city in mystery. These distorted riffs, echoes of footsteps in the alleys, suggest a clandestine rendezvous. Yet, amidst the dissonance, there's a beauty reminiscent of neon lights reflecting on wet pavement. As I circle these auditory streets, I search for the perfect parking spot — a comfortable sonic space where the juxtaposition of light and shadow, much like the album, reveals the complex beauty hidden within the urban chaos. Time to park this noir-inspired journey and let Spotlights' 'Alchemy for the Dead' cast its spell over the city's soundtrack.

What it actually is: I deliberated for a long time over whether Spotlights would make the metal list. And then I realized I don't care. Alchemy for the Dead is good. Whether or not it fits neatly into a category became inconsequential. That's not to say that it's much of a heavy metal edge case. It can crush. Based on volume or riff-density alone, it's not much of an argument. (Its detailed production is also highly recommended to audiophiles.) But Spotlights' brilliance lies in merging the crush and melancholy of doom with the ethereal, spacey elements of a band like Failure or Shiner. The result is a concentrated dose of weapons-grade, irresistibly catchy rock hooks that'll also contribute to your hearing loss. It's also a hell of a partner for traveling at night. Listening to Alchemy for the Dead on the late train back and watching a moonlight-outlined world fly by was one of my favorite experiences this year.

81. Mansion - Second Death (self-released)

From: Turku, Finland
Genre: doom

Prompt: Write a paragraph-long review of the Mansion album Second Death in the voice of a tent revival preacher writing a Reddit AITA post.

Metal Clippy:

Brothers and sisters, gather 'round, for I have borne witness to the sonic revival that is Mansion's 'Second Death,' and let me tell you, it's a revelation that shakes the very foundations of musical salvation. The riffs, like the hands of angels caressing the soul, guide us through a sonic sermon that resonates with the divine. As I reflect on this sacred album, I can't help but feel compelled to share this divine experience with all of you. Yet, my conscience nags at me, questioning if I've been too zealous in my praise. Am I the asshole for declaring 'Second Death' a musical sanctuary? I implore you, dear brethren, to judge my fervor and let the heavens decide if my exaltation of Mansion's sonic gospel is a righteous testament or an unwarranted proclamation. Amen, and may the riffs guide you to your own revelation.

Write the most up-voted reply.

Metal Clippy
"OP, thou art NOT the asshole! Verily, thou hast spoken true about the divine sounds emanating from Mansion's 'Second Death.' Thy zealous praise reflects the sacred truth that resonates within the hearts of many. Let the riffs be our guiding light, and may the congregation of music lovers unite in joyous harmonies. Praise be to Mansion, and praise be to thee for spreading the gospel of sonic salvation. Amen and hallelujah!"

What it actually is: Mansion's Second Death stands out as one of the creepier albums of 2023. With a concept revolving around the obscure religious sect of Kartanoism, it resembles the charismatic cultishness of Swans' Children of God or the apocalyptic visions of Sleepytime Gorilla Museum. But Mansion mined its own kind of insidious terror, one that was obsessed with preparing itself for the quickly approaching end-times. Doom is naturally a suitable vessel for those themes, but Mansion's unwavering commitment to the bit elevates Second Death to a genuinely unsettling experience. When Alma sneers "deaaaaaaaaaaaaaath" in "No Funeral" like a dilophosaurus spitting venom, you feel like the only time your friends and family will see you again is in a Netflix true crime doc.

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